Dear Saint Patrick,
Do you mind if I call you Patrick? Thanks, it is 2011 and we are all very familiar nowadays, maybe if you were on twitter I could tweet this and say something like:
@stpat the snakes are back, can you come back pls? AWESOME!
Well, the snakes are back and I know you will find that distressing,they took all our money and built us houses that we queued up for overnight, in winter, in Ireland, I know? We are now left in shoebox houses that shake when it's windy and you can hear next door sneezing if you try hard enough.
Anyway, Patrick, the houses are tiny but we owe HUGE amounts of money for them, because we had a boom here and basically EVERYONE owns ten houses except for a few of us who due to other issues in our life, like family raising and other non-profit making enterprises, didn't save a few hundred thousand euro quick enough to buy a brace of one bed apartments in Leitrim (two hours from Dublin - if you are on a space shuttle).
So, like the Bible tells us, we worshipped false gods, well, not all of us, mind, and now we are owned by the Europeans and are embarrassed to take a ferry to Brittany because a woman in a supermarche might remind us of our debts.
I live in fear of ordering a baguette and a vin rouge to be reprimanded for careless fiscal policy.
I am just writing to ask you to come back and remove the snakes that are left here, maybe when they are gone we could return to a happier state.
By the way, if you do get back, there is quite a large motorway going past Tara Hill, you won't need such a big torch this time as the car's headlamps will light the way.
I am apologising about that, even though I have nothing to do with it. In fact, I spend a lot of time in Tara with my kids and find it the most peaceful place in Ireland, something to do with the ley-lines.
It certainly beats an afternoon at a mall buying clothes with labels advertising some big manufacturer, who outsources his work to India and China and makes 7,000% profit and we then, buy it and advertise his company for him.
Clever, huh? That is our second favourite hobby now after house buying.
Anyway, as you can see, we need you back, the snake infestation is getting worse and you are the only man for the job.
By the way, the snakes are shape-shifters and may appear respectable business people but believe me, look a bit closer, you will see them for what they are.
See you soon, I hope, and again apologies for the big dirty motorway,
Yours in faith,